10 miles @ 8:13 to start my Tuesday. I’m going to really sad when they are done training for Boston because this sure has been fun.
I got to go to lunch with THE Megan D, and she brought me these most delicious treats. I wish you could each try one of these right this second.
Beck had an amazing time playing at my friend’s mom’s house… She has the best toys there. My kids didn’t want to leave.
It was a brinner type of a night. We even had scrambled eggs;). I told my kids we are decorating rocks for Easter this year because the price of eggs is so crazy.
Just planning our trip with the help of Chat GPT;)
The time I was getting ready for bed and meant to spray facial toner and accidentally sprayed leave-in conditioner on my face… that did not feel good.
A sweet reader asked this a few days ago and I thought today would be the perfect day to cover it: “Can you do a post on how not to lose your identity in motherhood? You seem to have done such a good job at this – yet I have half the number of kids and feel like I’m nothing but their mom (which I love, I’m obsessed with them). Seven years into this whole parenting thing, it feels like maybe time to reevaluate that.”
This topic is very near and dear to my heart and maybe the ONE (out of a million) thing I think I have kind of figured out with my own personal parenting journey… but I was kind of forced into figuring it out, I didn’t figure it out all on my own:). When Brooke was born, she instantly became my entire world. Every second of every minute was dedicated to her. I would bring her to every girls’ night because I didn’t want to leave her. I would have her in her car seat next to me when I ran on the treadmill. I remember crying the entire car ride when I left her the first time with my family. And then, I got divorced. At that point, I had two identities–> mom and wife. I was suddenly no longer a wife, and then I had weekends when Brooke was gone with her dad. I had NO idea who in the world I was. I didn’t know what I liked to do (besides running), I didn’t remember my love for books, I had no idea how much having a social life affected my mental health (for the positive), and I hadn’t ever opened up the door to trying new things or traveling. I didn’t even know what type of person I was interested in dating because I didn’t know myself anymore. I am positive that in my first year post-divorce, on the weekends when Brooke would be gone, I would go for a run and then be back in bed for the rest of the day with a laptop and Netflix and cry until I couldn’t cry anymore.
I couldn’t keep living that way anymore, so slowly, I started learning about myself. I had to figure out who I was outside of those two identities. I learned that the best way for me to show up for Brooke was to be a person outside of parenting, too. I would be a happier mom if I developed my own identity, which is what Brooke needed. I had started hanging out with amazing women who had so many things going for them, so many interests, their own businesses, and hobbies that they loved, and it was contagious. I wanted to do the same for myself. I have found that the more I get to know myself and spend time doing things that make me feel like me, the more I love motherhood and the better at it that I feel like I do. There is so much to us, and we can’t hide those things for the 18 years that our kids are living in our homes. We deserve to get to know ourselves; it’s so important that we do!
A few of my tips/thoughts on how to develop/keep your identity outside of motherhood:
*Whenever I feel guilty about going out and doing things that help me keep my identity without my kids, I remind myself that if my kids choose to have kids, I would 100% encourage them to do the same. I would hate to see my kids lose their interests or stop doing things that make them feel most alive if they become parents. I’ll do whatever I can to help support them to continue being them!
*Start small. These things that we do to keep our identities don’t have to be massive, expensive, or elaborate. I have always loved to write in a journal, and setting aside just 5 minutes to do that helps me feel like me. Find simple things that you can do to switch things up… Take a new route when driving home, experiment with different breakfast foods, put together an outfit you wouldn’t typically wear… Finding joy in small and simple pleasures helps me so much.
*Talk to your partner about it! Let them know how you feel and if they can support you in whatever makes your heart beat fast.
*Push yourself out the door. Getting out at night to do things is SO hard for me, but I always end up so happy that I do it once I am out. I have a million excuses, I’m tired, and I want to turn on The Office and sleep, but it’s so good for me to do this occasionally. The other night I had plans with friends and told Brooke I was going to bail and she said, “NO… you always have fun and it’s good for you.” I went. I had a blast. The 12-year-old knows.
*As my mom always said, “I’m not a cruise director.” Haha. Babies are one thing, but as kids get a bit bigger, it’s more than okay for them to be bored and do things independently at times. It’s good for them to figure out something to do while you read for a bit, cook a meal that makes you feel fancy, or listen to your favorite songs alone in your room. We don’t have to entertain kids 24/7; hopefully, that reminder can give us a bit of space to learn more about ourselves.
*Libby really helps me to feel like I can keep my identity. Listening to a book that is so fascinating to me while I do laundry or tasks that I don’t enjoy doing around the house but need to do, help me keep me:). Currently listening to this one and LOVING it:
*My mom always had something going on… Whether it was her art, learning French, or piano lessons, she was always a great example of continuing to learn and grow. Now we all get to be an example to our kids of this! It’s impossible to feel fulfilled or good about ourselves if we are stagnant; learning does SO much for us.
*I have found that waking up earlier than I have to has also helped me with this. I love being with people and socializing as much as possible, but only if I give myself time to be still and quiet, too. My day goes so much better when I wake up on my own and not by a tiny human staring at me;)
*Andrew is such an adventurous person, and I was very attracted to this quality when I met him. He has helped me to get outside the box and spend time learning what things make me happy. It’s been fun to be way more adventurous in my 30s vs my 20s, and I can’t wait to see what the 40s include.
*Don’t forget how much nature can do for our identities. With or without your kids, get out in nature to find yourself.
*People will probably judge you, let them. Parenting is something people love to have strong opinions on. You know what is best for you and your kids. Don’t let outsiders influence what your heart tells you is right for you and your family.
*Include your kids in the things that make you feel alive, too. It’s almost guaranteed that they will enjoy it, too, because they will be giddy to see you in your element! Our kids love seeing us being curious and filled with energy from doing something that we love. I cannot get enough of skiing, yoga, traveling, trying new foods, and reading together with my kids lately.
You are not alone in this. I’m not sure I would have figured this out without going through a divorce. We are all in this together, and it’s a common challenge. I am cheering for you and will be your hype woman, you deserve this!
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Do you have any tips on how to keep your identity through different busy/demanding times of life?
What is the best gummy or sour candy, in your opinion? I take the answers to this question very seriously!
Reading anything good right now?
Are there any skincare items you love lately?
